Loneliness

     I am not good at being by myself. 


     This is something that I have come to realize only gets worse as I get older. I can only avoid thinking for so long. I read, I get on Fabebook, I catch up on TV shows I am behind on, I play video games, I play with Charlie. Eventually, however, I have to face the inevitable- I am by myself, and now I am thinking. This term, thinking, has bad connotations for me when I am by myself. I'll tell you why.


    'Thinking' means:
- Coming to the understanding that you are alone.
- Remembering your thoughts of inadequacies that, for me, always seem to resurface during these times. Somehow, no matter how fantastic I think I am doing in this area, the moment I am alone they come running back. No matter how many times I think I have conquered a specific fear of rejection or body insecurity, them seem to like me, because they are never far off.
- Worry. I am not usually one who worries. I feel like I am fairly grounded and can think logically about things. But when I'm alone, worry sets in. Will I have enough money for my bills in the future? Will I be able to find a job? Did I say something wrong? Is he irritated with me? Does he really love me like he says, and if so why? The worry gets worse and worse until I finally decide to do something about it.
- Remembering how utterly bored I am.
- Loneliness. I think of my two best friends who live anywhere from an hour to eight hours away from me now, and get sad that this is something I am going to have to get used to. The person who knows me, sometimes better than myself, lives in Texas. We will not ever live in the same place again, more than likely. The friend I gained in my first year of college are now barely in my life. I have no one who knows and understands me like Kelsi does anymore. (Aside from Mark, maybe, but even then kind of.)
- I don't have a home to go to anymore. My Dad lives in Florida, and my Mom and Scott have a small place in KC for themselves. Which is great for them, and by all means I'm happy they're living there and are going about their lives. And in no way is it there fault that there is not room for me, they are empty nesters and have every right to be! I guess its more that I have grown up and grown out of living or staying with my parents anymore, and that is a very strange understanding to come to. I am a big girl now, with a job, and bills to pay, and a dog I'm responsible for, and school, and my future. Its just a lot to take in, I guess. The end of an era that was my childhood.


     And through all of these things comes an overwhelming feeling of weight, sadness, and a loneliness that I have never really known before. I didn't think that feeling like this was possible for me. There has been a lot of feeling like this, this summer. (A lot of fun and happy times so far too, no doubt!!) A lot of being by myself. And yet I know these are not things that God wants me to be thinking. The devil is playing with me, and I need to just tell him to get out of my house! Stop digging around in my head/heart, and give them over to God for some digging.

     What I am comforting myself with, though, is that even though they are away from me now, my friends and family are still here for me. They still love me. Mark is very reassuring when I'm having a bad night. Kelsi is almost always around to talk to. And above all, my Lord and Savior is here for me to talk to. We have talked more lately, and I'm realizing how much He really does listen, and how much He really does care for me. I sometimes forget to talk with him, but he never ceases to be there for me. I am holding onto that tonight, and for the future nights like this.


~Hannah~