Loneliness

     I am not good at being by myself. 


     This is something that I have come to realize only gets worse as I get older. I can only avoid thinking for so long. I read, I get on Fabebook, I catch up on TV shows I am behind on, I play video games, I play with Charlie. Eventually, however, I have to face the inevitable- I am by myself, and now I am thinking. This term, thinking, has bad connotations for me when I am by myself. I'll tell you why.


    'Thinking' means:
- Coming to the understanding that you are alone.
- Remembering your thoughts of inadequacies that, for me, always seem to resurface during these times. Somehow, no matter how fantastic I think I am doing in this area, the moment I am alone they come running back. No matter how many times I think I have conquered a specific fear of rejection or body insecurity, them seem to like me, because they are never far off.
- Worry. I am not usually one who worries. I feel like I am fairly grounded and can think logically about things. But when I'm alone, worry sets in. Will I have enough money for my bills in the future? Will I be able to find a job? Did I say something wrong? Is he irritated with me? Does he really love me like he says, and if so why? The worry gets worse and worse until I finally decide to do something about it.
- Remembering how utterly bored I am.
- Loneliness. I think of my two best friends who live anywhere from an hour to eight hours away from me now, and get sad that this is something I am going to have to get used to. The person who knows me, sometimes better than myself, lives in Texas. We will not ever live in the same place again, more than likely. The friend I gained in my first year of college are now barely in my life. I have no one who knows and understands me like Kelsi does anymore. (Aside from Mark, maybe, but even then kind of.)
- I don't have a home to go to anymore. My Dad lives in Florida, and my Mom and Scott have a small place in KC for themselves. Which is great for them, and by all means I'm happy they're living there and are going about their lives. And in no way is it there fault that there is not room for me, they are empty nesters and have every right to be! I guess its more that I have grown up and grown out of living or staying with my parents anymore, and that is a very strange understanding to come to. I am a big girl now, with a job, and bills to pay, and a dog I'm responsible for, and school, and my future. Its just a lot to take in, I guess. The end of an era that was my childhood.


     And through all of these things comes an overwhelming feeling of weight, sadness, and a loneliness that I have never really known before. I didn't think that feeling like this was possible for me. There has been a lot of feeling like this, this summer. (A lot of fun and happy times so far too, no doubt!!) A lot of being by myself. And yet I know these are not things that God wants me to be thinking. The devil is playing with me, and I need to just tell him to get out of my house! Stop digging around in my head/heart, and give them over to God for some digging.

     What I am comforting myself with, though, is that even though they are away from me now, my friends and family are still here for me. They still love me. Mark is very reassuring when I'm having a bad night. Kelsi is almost always around to talk to. And above all, my Lord and Savior is here for me to talk to. We have talked more lately, and I'm realizing how much He really does listen, and how much He really does care for me. I sometimes forget to talk with him, but he never ceases to be there for me. I am holding onto that tonight, and for the future nights like this.


~Hannah~

Update!

      I am sitting on the couch in my loft in Warrensburg with only Charlie (my dog) at my side. It has already been a long summer, and I'm only really half way through it. Let me give you a little update.

      After Best of Broadway, last summer, everything kind to fell to pieces. Godspell was called off on account of, well, we all resigned. The direction and management of the company we were involved in, left us all pretty much with a bad taste in our mouth- lots of drama. It was really just unfortunate.

     By that point I had moved to Warrensburg and was waiting to move into my loft in August, and HUNTING for a job. The last week I lived in my temp home before my loft, I got called in for an interview and ultimately got hired on at the University Bookstore. It was just a temporary job, and we would find out if we got hired on for the Fall and Spring semesters after Distribution. I did, and have been working there for, well, in July it will be a year. 

     Last year, I was in two main stage productions at UCM: Oklahoma! The Musical and How I Learned To Drive. How I Learned To Drive was one of the most difficult shows I've ever had the good luck to be apart of. It was a five person cast- two leads and then three 'Greek Chorus' roles that played a myriad of characters. I was the Female Greek Chorus. The show, in essence, is about an Uncle Peck who ultimately falls in love with his niece, Lil Bit.I played her alcoholic mother, her desperate for attention Aunt, and various other characters. Its about family dysfunction, alcoholism, insecurities, and pedophilia. It was a very intense show, but incredibly moving. I have never been so conflicted as I was during the show! And that was the point- to make a pedophile a human...an audience doesn't want to feel for him, but you do. You have to. In any case, it put. me. to. WORK. as an actress. The most emotionally taxing work I have ever done, and it was a great thing to do/learn. Our school brought in the Pulitzer Prize winning playwrite of this show, Paula Vogel, for a playwriting bootcamp. She also did a public Q&A, a private one for our department, and the cast and crew of How I Learned To Drive got to have dinner with her and spend some time talking about the show, our hopes and dreams, and about her life. She was an incredible fascinating woman, and I'm glad to say I've met her, and know her.

     I feel as though I never explained Mark very well. Although, how could I? I didn't even know him that well! Hah! He is a type of person I didn't originally see myself with, but boy am I glad I am. :] --- He is a giant. Seriously, he's 6'7". Which is one of the things I love about him, honestly, he wouldn't be Mark if he were shorter- its part of his charm. He is a total dork: video games, super heroes, and Star Wars attached. He is almost ALWAYS in jeans, work boots, a graphic t, and a plaid button down (unless he's trying to make me go haywire with a plaid shirt and camo shorts...). Usually, he wears a hat, but since his hair is so long right now and its summer he is sporting the bandanna. His hair? Longer than mine (which is not THAT hard considering I just chopped all of mine off). But I loooooooove his hair long. Probably has something to do with the fact that he had it long when we first started dating... Either way, I love it. He is certainly a 'pohdunk' kid at heart. A country loving boy, who would rather be in the middle of nowhere than in the middle of a city. He bow-hunts, and likes camo. He is a die hard Chiefs fan. Are you seeing our differences, yet? His love for his family is certainly unparalleled. He would do absolutely anything for his family, and the respect he shows them is something to be admired. He is honestly one of the most respectful people I know- to everyone. He is kind, and generous. His heart is as big as he is tall- well above average. He is probably the hardest worker I know. He goes over and above the call of duty, and is revered for it. Employers, teachers, even other students have recognized his willingness to go over and above. (I think he sometimes gets taken advantage for it...but he would never say so. Just a gf's opinion, I guess). And then there is how he treats me. Let me just say, I had always hoped for someone like this, but never thought that it would actually come to pass. He is the sweetest boyfriend one could hope for. There is never a time that he isn't actively taking care of me. Whether he sees me and knows I had a bad day and just need a hug, or I threw my back out and he won't leave my side. I don't know how many times I have accidentally fallen asleep while we are hanging out, and I wake up awhile later with a blanket and the fan turned on. Anything I could hope to need emotionally, he provides. He is, not that one would really think this upon meeting my goofy boyfriend, incredibly smooth and romantic. He would say that he had a bunch of girl friends in high school who made him watch chick flicks, and THAT'S how he knows all this stuff. But I think some of it just comes from him, right down to the one liners that make me blush still to this day and our initials carved in a tree for our anniversary. He is super cheesy and I absolutely love it. I am a hopeless romantic who got all she wished for. :]]

     In March, I rescued my incredibly spunky and very sweet lab/boxer/collie mix. His name is Charlie, and I adore him! He is only 36 pounds and is about a year and some change old. He is done growing, which is a blessing! 

     Starting in August I will be moving in with Mark's friend Jennifer who I got very close to over last year. I can't wait! We clicked pretty quickly upon meeting each other, and decided that we should live together second semester. We are very excited to move, already! 

     

     Well, that's just an update of my life! I'll try to keep my blog more up to date, so keep tuned! :]

~Hannah~