Loneliness

     I am not good at being by myself. 


     This is something that I have come to realize only gets worse as I get older. I can only avoid thinking for so long. I read, I get on Fabebook, I catch up on TV shows I am behind on, I play video games, I play with Charlie. Eventually, however, I have to face the inevitable- I am by myself, and now I am thinking. This term, thinking, has bad connotations for me when I am by myself. I'll tell you why.


    'Thinking' means:
- Coming to the understanding that you are alone.
- Remembering your thoughts of inadequacies that, for me, always seem to resurface during these times. Somehow, no matter how fantastic I think I am doing in this area, the moment I am alone they come running back. No matter how many times I think I have conquered a specific fear of rejection or body insecurity, them seem to like me, because they are never far off.
- Worry. I am not usually one who worries. I feel like I am fairly grounded and can think logically about things. But when I'm alone, worry sets in. Will I have enough money for my bills in the future? Will I be able to find a job? Did I say something wrong? Is he irritated with me? Does he really love me like he says, and if so why? The worry gets worse and worse until I finally decide to do something about it.
- Remembering how utterly bored I am.
- Loneliness. I think of my two best friends who live anywhere from an hour to eight hours away from me now, and get sad that this is something I am going to have to get used to. The person who knows me, sometimes better than myself, lives in Texas. We will not ever live in the same place again, more than likely. The friend I gained in my first year of college are now barely in my life. I have no one who knows and understands me like Kelsi does anymore. (Aside from Mark, maybe, but even then kind of.)
- I don't have a home to go to anymore. My Dad lives in Florida, and my Mom and Scott have a small place in KC for themselves. Which is great for them, and by all means I'm happy they're living there and are going about their lives. And in no way is it there fault that there is not room for me, they are empty nesters and have every right to be! I guess its more that I have grown up and grown out of living or staying with my parents anymore, and that is a very strange understanding to come to. I am a big girl now, with a job, and bills to pay, and a dog I'm responsible for, and school, and my future. Its just a lot to take in, I guess. The end of an era that was my childhood.


     And through all of these things comes an overwhelming feeling of weight, sadness, and a loneliness that I have never really known before. I didn't think that feeling like this was possible for me. There has been a lot of feeling like this, this summer. (A lot of fun and happy times so far too, no doubt!!) A lot of being by myself. And yet I know these are not things that God wants me to be thinking. The devil is playing with me, and I need to just tell him to get out of my house! Stop digging around in my head/heart, and give them over to God for some digging.

     What I am comforting myself with, though, is that even though they are away from me now, my friends and family are still here for me. They still love me. Mark is very reassuring when I'm having a bad night. Kelsi is almost always around to talk to. And above all, my Lord and Savior is here for me to talk to. We have talked more lately, and I'm realizing how much He really does listen, and how much He really does care for me. I sometimes forget to talk with him, but he never ceases to be there for me. I am holding onto that tonight, and for the future nights like this.


~Hannah~

Update!

      I am sitting on the couch in my loft in Warrensburg with only Charlie (my dog) at my side. It has already been a long summer, and I'm only really half way through it. Let me give you a little update.

      After Best of Broadway, last summer, everything kind to fell to pieces. Godspell was called off on account of, well, we all resigned. The direction and management of the company we were involved in, left us all pretty much with a bad taste in our mouth- lots of drama. It was really just unfortunate.

     By that point I had moved to Warrensburg and was waiting to move into my loft in August, and HUNTING for a job. The last week I lived in my temp home before my loft, I got called in for an interview and ultimately got hired on at the University Bookstore. It was just a temporary job, and we would find out if we got hired on for the Fall and Spring semesters after Distribution. I did, and have been working there for, well, in July it will be a year. 

     Last year, I was in two main stage productions at UCM: Oklahoma! The Musical and How I Learned To Drive. How I Learned To Drive was one of the most difficult shows I've ever had the good luck to be apart of. It was a five person cast- two leads and then three 'Greek Chorus' roles that played a myriad of characters. I was the Female Greek Chorus. The show, in essence, is about an Uncle Peck who ultimately falls in love with his niece, Lil Bit.I played her alcoholic mother, her desperate for attention Aunt, and various other characters. Its about family dysfunction, alcoholism, insecurities, and pedophilia. It was a very intense show, but incredibly moving. I have never been so conflicted as I was during the show! And that was the point- to make a pedophile a human...an audience doesn't want to feel for him, but you do. You have to. In any case, it put. me. to. WORK. as an actress. The most emotionally taxing work I have ever done, and it was a great thing to do/learn. Our school brought in the Pulitzer Prize winning playwrite of this show, Paula Vogel, for a playwriting bootcamp. She also did a public Q&A, a private one for our department, and the cast and crew of How I Learned To Drive got to have dinner with her and spend some time talking about the show, our hopes and dreams, and about her life. She was an incredible fascinating woman, and I'm glad to say I've met her, and know her.

     I feel as though I never explained Mark very well. Although, how could I? I didn't even know him that well! Hah! He is a type of person I didn't originally see myself with, but boy am I glad I am. :] --- He is a giant. Seriously, he's 6'7". Which is one of the things I love about him, honestly, he wouldn't be Mark if he were shorter- its part of his charm. He is a total dork: video games, super heroes, and Star Wars attached. He is almost ALWAYS in jeans, work boots, a graphic t, and a plaid button down (unless he's trying to make me go haywire with a plaid shirt and camo shorts...). Usually, he wears a hat, but since his hair is so long right now and its summer he is sporting the bandanna. His hair? Longer than mine (which is not THAT hard considering I just chopped all of mine off). But I loooooooove his hair long. Probably has something to do with the fact that he had it long when we first started dating... Either way, I love it. He is certainly a 'pohdunk' kid at heart. A country loving boy, who would rather be in the middle of nowhere than in the middle of a city. He bow-hunts, and likes camo. He is a die hard Chiefs fan. Are you seeing our differences, yet? His love for his family is certainly unparalleled. He would do absolutely anything for his family, and the respect he shows them is something to be admired. He is honestly one of the most respectful people I know- to everyone. He is kind, and generous. His heart is as big as he is tall- well above average. He is probably the hardest worker I know. He goes over and above the call of duty, and is revered for it. Employers, teachers, even other students have recognized his willingness to go over and above. (I think he sometimes gets taken advantage for it...but he would never say so. Just a gf's opinion, I guess). And then there is how he treats me. Let me just say, I had always hoped for someone like this, but never thought that it would actually come to pass. He is the sweetest boyfriend one could hope for. There is never a time that he isn't actively taking care of me. Whether he sees me and knows I had a bad day and just need a hug, or I threw my back out and he won't leave my side. I don't know how many times I have accidentally fallen asleep while we are hanging out, and I wake up awhile later with a blanket and the fan turned on. Anything I could hope to need emotionally, he provides. He is, not that one would really think this upon meeting my goofy boyfriend, incredibly smooth and romantic. He would say that he had a bunch of girl friends in high school who made him watch chick flicks, and THAT'S how he knows all this stuff. But I think some of it just comes from him, right down to the one liners that make me blush still to this day and our initials carved in a tree for our anniversary. He is super cheesy and I absolutely love it. I am a hopeless romantic who got all she wished for. :]]

     In March, I rescued my incredibly spunky and very sweet lab/boxer/collie mix. His name is Charlie, and I adore him! He is only 36 pounds and is about a year and some change old. He is done growing, which is a blessing! 

     Starting in August I will be moving in with Mark's friend Jennifer who I got very close to over last year. I can't wait! We clicked pretty quickly upon meeting each other, and decided that we should live together second semester. We are very excited to move, already! 

     

     Well, that's just an update of my life! I'll try to keep my blog more up to date, so keep tuned! :]

~Hannah~

I have been thinking a lot recently about the past year and a half of my life. I have never in my entire life had a year like this before. One could say, "Why Hannah, of course you haven't, no one graduates high school and goes on to college more than once." To that person I would say, DUH! Not what I'm talking about. This year has been the most dramatic and event filled year. And while I sit here and think about it, I can't help but see all the positives.

I have been hurt this year beyond comparison, and things seemed to happen over and over again. The pain seemed to be overwhelming and like I would never overcome it, and get out of the pit that I was in. The pit, that I helped dig, sometimes. The pit that others kind of forced me into. The pit that somehow I crawled out of, and filled up with the many happy memories and feelings that this year also brought. There were times within the pit that I was so down on myself. That I felt the way I USED to feel- when I was young, unsure, and insecure with myself. Those things, I thought would never come back into my head, much less with the fervor in which they did return. Last summer was an emotionally tough summer for many reasons. And not that I was depressed, but I was just sorely unhappy with some things in my life. Whilst I was unhappy, however, so many new things occured that made me excited and hopeful for times ahead- as well they should.

I have had so many blessings and happy times this year that I can't help but look back with an all knowing eye, and realize that those things that happened in the pit, well, they're over now, and insignificant. Insignificant in that I have learned to forgive and forget. God has given me grace to accept that those things did indeed happen to me, but they do not define who I am or how I react to things. They changed me, definitely, but for the betterment of my life and well being. I learned what is good for me and what I deserve. And how I should react in situations, and how I should not. Not to mention how much grace I need to give to people.

I look back a year ago today and am amazed at how much difference a year can truly make...I am far happier than I was then, and thank God everyday for the blessing in which he has granted me. :]

~Hannah~

The Time Of My Life

Hello all!

Just back for another round of blogging, here. I think I just blog in sections, because after awhile I just feel the need to blog again. I realize that doesn't help those of you who like to read about people's lives on a routine basis, but...Its something, right?

Anywho, I just wanted to write about the end of the school year and beginning of summer and things. The last month or so of school was pretty crazy for me.

The guy I talked about previously, Mark Jacobsen, and I started officially dating on April 2nd. That was a majorly happy moment for me. :]

Then came the annual Theatre Banquet at school, which was a ton of fun. As was the 90's bash afterward. There were some hilarious videos, funny joke-awards, good food, and moving moments and speeches. There were some great dresses at banquet, handsome looking men, and then some nasty 90's attire across the board at the after party. I personally got a 500 dollar scholarship that I'm excited for, and a lot of other people got some too. :]



You can't see it, but Zac had on a hat with hair coming out of it at the 90's bash. He looked like something strait out of Nsync!!

Cute guys. ;]

Jarrod!

I love this guy! Had such a good time in out show with him! You can kind of see Zac's hat cause he's being a CREEPER in the back!

After that was finals and moving out. Moving out was very bittersweet. I was happy to get out of the dorms, but not fully excited to leave school. I am going to miss the friends I had made this year. I was going to miss the random hanging out that occured every night. The productions. The classes- for the most part. And although, I have it so much easier than a lot of people at home, the independence.

My room after we moved all of our things out, I was waiting to get checked out. Very depressing looking room. Ha.

Mark liked to leave little signs that he had been there...This was his last.


He'd also always leave smiley faces on our board that someone always erased- irked him like crazy!

Leaving school also meant leaving Mr. Smiley up there ^. Something I was not at all excited about. We had gotten into a kind of routine that I was loving, lol, and now I had to leave to go home. Mark is staying in Warrensburg for two months of the summer working with Central Missouri Reperatory Theatre (this is our school's professional summerstock theatre company), then he'll go back to his home in Fulton. As it is now, he's only about an hour away from me, which wouldn't be that bad if I had a car and money enough to go up there every couple weeks. But alas, I do not. And neither does he. Long distance relationships are hard work, and a lot different than I thought they would be. I am the type of person who loves being around their significant other, and so this summer is going to be difficult.

It was nice, however, because of this that I got to jump head long into a show right when I got home. My first show, Franklin, went up a few weeks ago. It was an incredibly hard show to put up, with many hurdles to jump over. Somehow we got through the show every night, and closed the show. Now I'm in another show, one that is already going better than the last. It is called Best of Broadway. It is a musical review, and I'm enjoying it quite a lot. But then, I would right? Its musical numbers. The people are a blast to work with, and I'm loving some of the songs I get to sing. We also have longer to put this show together- a month versus a week for Franklin. Its been an...interesting process thus far, but I'm enjoying it nevertheless. Best of Broadway goes up June 9th, 10th, and 11th. For ticket information let me know. I can get you cheaper tickets than at the door. The next show, Godspell goes up in July, also.

Last week, sometime, I got to go to Olathe for a few days and see some of my friends form there. It was a lot of fun, and nice to catch up with them. I also got to hang out with and talk to my Dad a lot, so that was nice.

This last weekend, I went to the Burg and surprised Mark. He was coming back from home for his brother's confirmation. Matt and I picked him up from the train station. I hung out with he and matt for the night. It was a fun time, and it was really good to see him. You know, regardless of the difficulty of a long distance relationship, I am fully enjoying my relationship with Mark. We go well together, and always have fun, no matter what. The little stuff isn't taken for granted, and that is something I've always wanted.

Well, that is what is going on in the life and times of Hannah Williams. Again, let me know if you want to come to any of the other shows, and I'll get you cheaper tickets! :]

~Hannah~

A Happy Heart

So, it has been a long time since I have blogged. Things have been crazy for the past few months. That being said, here is the account of the first half of the second semester:

I just closed my last studio show of the semester. It was a huge success, and I had a lot of fun doing it. I have done a lot of theatre already this semester. I was in the first set of studio shows, and in another black box show, and then this second set of studios. The studios are student directed senior projects every senior has to do. I’ve done three of these throughout the year, and they’ve all been good quality. My favorite one of the three was the one I just did called, The Man Who Couldn’t Dance. It was about two people, who used to date each other, but she is now married and has a child, and they’re talking about what went wrong in their relationship. It was a moving piece, and a lot of fun to do. Coming up in April I am in a dance black box that I’m looking forward to. Theatre-wise, this semester has been good.

This has been a very up and down semester for me, emotionally. I came back to school very confused about some things that had happened over Christmas Break, and was unsure of how things were going to play out. For a long time my relationship with someone was kind of strained. Eventually we had a huge conversation and got everything figured out. Since then, it’s been back to complete normal which has made me very happy.

About a month ago, I found out that this guy I knew had become single. I had always flirted with this guy, but never thought it could turn into much because he had a girlfriend at the time. But a little while after I found out he was single, I started to kind of like him. I couldn’t have helped it; he is so fun to be around. Until about a week ago, I didn’t really think he was interested. Then we started hanging out more, and talking more. Then he finally told me he liked me. I could not be happier. He treats me so well, it all seems too good to be true. He is too good to be true. He is cute, funny, sweet, and always can make me smile. Every time I wake up, there’s an adorable morning text waiting for me, and when I’m going to sleep there’s one to end my day. He has the sweetest heart a girl couldn’t even hope to ask for- a real gentleman, chivalrous, honorable, kind. And he has the most incredible, melt your heart, blue eyes I’ve seen. He’s the real deal this time, and I’m so happy that its so.




So, all in all, life is good right now. I have no real complaints. :]

~Hannah~

Simplicity...

Last night a few friends and I went to see Blackmore play in a battle of the bands. Blackmore is a band that we know a few people in. They are fantastic, and made me realize how much I miss going to concerts. It was also my first time at the Beaumont Club in Kansas City- and its a pretty cool place, if you ask me.

After the show we went to Ben's house (lead guitar and singer of Blackmore) to hang out. This was the first time I've ever really been able to hang out with Ben and Danny (drummer). [Danny is going to be my opposite in The Man Who Couldn't Dance in March- a show in which I am thoroughly excited to perform.] They are a blast to be around, and they are incredibly talented musicians, actors, and just general guys as a whole. Hopefully, I'll get to hang out with them more often cause they're really legit guys.

Then I met up with Kelsi in Independence, and we drove back out to Warrensburg to hang out. She was off work for the holiday, and so she came up to see me. It was really nice to just hang out and not have to worry about going to classes today. We just hung out in my dorm with Jarrod and Haley, and then we got out for awhile with Jarrod. It was a very chill, and I loved the relaxation.

All in all, it was a fantastic last few days with some pretty neat people.

~Hannah~

Blessed when you lose your own identity...

Over the past year, I have gone through this whole life re-evaluation thing. So many things have happened to me, I feel like, and it has made me really have to sit down and try to figure out who I am.

I have gone through the saddness that is finishing up high school. I have lost a few friends. I have had my heart broken. I have realized what I need, and what I have not gotten. I have moved out of my houses, and gone to college, and delt with living on my own. I have been talked about behind my back- which is new. I have been stressed more than I ever have been. I have gotten my hopes up more than once, only to have a diappointing end. I have been in more fights with people in the past year and a half than I ever have in my life. Its been a tough while.

However, I've had the most incredible things happen to me too. I have the three most incredible best friends anyone could ask for- Becky, Kelsi, and Zac. I have never known who I am so much as now, I think. Although it came through hurt and a total shatter of my walls, it got me back to my roots. I have gotten closer to my parents than I thought possible- considering I was already very close to them. And I have never seen the need for Christ in my life more clearly.

Things happen for a reason, I'm sure of it. People come into our lives at the exact perfect times to help us go through the worst times in our life. People come into our lives, so that we may go through their toughest times in life with them. We are torn down so that we may be built back up. It doesn't always happen in this way, but for me it did. I've learned that sometimes vulnerability isn't a bad thing. Sometimes, its ok to cry in front of people. I don't always have to be a strong force to be reckond with. Sarcasm isn't always the best. Walls are only as good as you make them. And sometimes, you've got to be fragile and scream your freaking lungs out- Jesus Christ is king.


This song has become my anthem lately, and I feel as though I must share it.


These are words to build a life on
These are Your words how can they be mine
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words I want them to be mine

Blessed are the poor
Blessed are the weak
Blessed are the ones
Who can barely speak

Blessed in your hurt
Blessed in your pain
Blessed when your teardrops
Are falling down like rain

Blessed when you’re broken
Blessed when you’re blind
Blessed when you’re fragile
When you have lost your mind

Blessed when you’re desperate
Blessed when you’re scared
Blessed when you’re lonely
Blessed when you’ve failed

Blessed when you’re beat up
Blessed when you’re bruised
Blessed when you’re tore down
Blessed when you’re used

These are words to build a life on
These are Your words how can they be mine
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words I want them to be mine

Blessed when you’re heartbroke
Blessed when you’re fired
Blessed when you’re choked up
Blessed when you’re tired

Blessed when the plans
That you so carefully laid
End up in the junkyard
With all the trash you made

Blessed when you feel like
Giving up the ghost
Blessed when your loved ones
Are the ones who hurt you most

Blessed when you lose your
Own identity
Then blessed when you find it
And it has been redeemed

Blessed when you see what
Your friends can never be
Blessed with your eyes closed
Then blessed you see Me

These are words to build a life on
These are Your words how can they be mine
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words I want them to be mine

Blessed when you’re hungry
Blessed when you thirst
Cause that’s when you will eat of
The bread that matters most

Blessed when you’re put down
Because of me you’re dissed
Because of me you’re kicked out
They take you off their list

You know you’re on the mark
You know you’ve got it right
You are to be my salt
You are to be my light

So bring out all the flavor
In the feast of this My world
And light up all the colors
Let the banner be unfurled

Shout it from the rooftops
Let the trumpets ring
Sing your freaking lungs out
Jesus Christ is King!

Jesus is my Savior
Jesus is divine
Jesus is my answer
Jesus is my life

These are words to build a life on
These are Your words how can they be mine
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words I want them to be mine

Give us ears that we may hear them
voice that we may sing them
life that we may live them
hope that we may give them
hearts that we can feel them
eyes that we can see them
thoughts that we may think them
tongues that we may speak Your words


~Hannah~